i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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