I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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