My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
