Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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