Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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