He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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