Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
