I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
