I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
