I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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