just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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