Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't deserve a penis
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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