I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
