he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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