I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
