we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
