just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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