I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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