why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize