and you said cock pushups were impossible
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize