Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
