I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
