That's when you crack a 10am beer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
