Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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