i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
