My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
