I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
