yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
