my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
