I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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