i don't like sucking hair
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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