Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
