apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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