me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
