I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
