Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
