Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
