Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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