My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
