I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
