The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
