he thought i was a dude.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
