the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
