Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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