I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
