am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
