dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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