she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drunk is not a location!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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