I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
