Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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