Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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