She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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