did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
