im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
