Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
