I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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