I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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