It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
