i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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