I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
