I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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