when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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