I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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